& did you know,
I never expected this to happen,
but I do,
I do like you (:
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
i've got so much to say, i dont really know where to start.
i can only say thankyou over and over again for those who seem to have a never ending patience in telling me im not fat, namely syu and steffi.
elizabeth. helo. i knew you read my blog, but i certaintly did not expect a flood of tags from you. (: maybe just from reading my posts, it seems like im not eating BECAUSE i think im fat. contrary to that, im dont feel like eating because of other things that have been happening around me. these issues got me upset, worried, some say depressed, sometimes quiet, made me cry often enough and as a result i simply did not feel like eating. i do know that i require food for energy and i do make an effort to eat. i admit my food portions have shrunk to less then half a plate of rice for dinner, but nonetheless, i eat so little NOT because i think im fat. how much or how little i eat is directly affected by the problems im faced with.
FAT. believe me, i do try not to think that im fat. i know it sounds silly if i were to say, i can't help it. i just feel im fat. but sometimes, that is the case. if you were a sibling of mine, staying at the same home and sharing the same family members and situations at home, i do think you'd be able to understand me a little better. believe it or not, my parents have said i was fat ever since i could remember. not fat as in overweight, but fat as in i seemed chunky to them in certain areass.
it would be hard for my friends to love me for who i am, if they haven't seen the real me in ages.
take this for example. in class today, we were given a sheet of paper with all sorts of adjectives descirbing ourselves. we were supposed to make a list with the words that described us in jan 05 and now. it was supposed to show us whether we've changed throughout the year or not.
my friends went down the list, and picked out the word "quiet". now anyone in their right mind, would know im far from it. but that's what they've come to know me as.
if i were to be myself around my friends, wanna bet how many people would talk about me behind my back describing me as a girl who cries so often and is always looking damn depressed. furthur more, im very sure that they would go to the extent of saying that im seeking attention. tkgs, most unfortunately, is filled with these sort of ppl.
who likes to hang out with a girl who's looking so depressed and cries have the time? think about it, who? even if initally they do lend a listening ear, later on they become tired of it.
after school ended, someone asked me whether i was ok. why did she ask that? because she realised that i always looked tired, kept falling asleep in class, depressed. i was surprised for a moment, but somehow glad that she asked.
some think im crazy, calling myself fat. others compare themselves to me, telling me that im definitely not fat compared to them. i really dont know what to say. i just FEEL fat. and true, as samuel said, it maybe a figment of my imagination. i dont know.
sometimes, there are so many negative thoughts running through my head. i feel like it's going to burst. sometimes, i dont know whether things are really that bad, or am i just imagining it. and please no one tell me that it's just my imagination running wild for the sake of comforting me. certain things, ARE really bad.
my friend said that im a fretting queen. maybe i am. until now, im still thinking about that and i dont know what to think of it.
even if i dont hide myself from my friends, i still do from my parents. guess what. when im down, and i keep quiet at home, i get lectured by BOTH parents for having a ATTITUDE PROBLEM. thus, i'd much rather have the mask on, then off.
another friend, mentioned to me she felt replaced by another girl, in her clique. i've felt that way before.
this fuzzy computer screen in sch is make my head spin. i think i've said enough.
